


The Hobbes Nebula

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-26
Updated: 2006-02-26
Packaged: 2018-08-15 16:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8064067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Mayweather gets the Enterprise into trouble, and the captain passes out. (09/08/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Um, just a bit of light hearted fun this one, I wrote this age's ago after a few beer's, sorry bout' me. Feedback more than welcome.  


* * *

'Hmmmm...' Said Captain Jonathan Archer, screwing his face up in an intense moment of deep confusion that only he had yet mastered, 'So what you're saying, is that bad things are going to happen to us until we're on the other side of the big pink cloud? Yes?'

T'pol glared at him with an expression of total annoyance playing across her face, she clenched her fists together and tried again.

'Captain, the 'big pink cloud' is infact a Hobbes Nebula, a very rare phenomenon not yet fully explained. It some how affects the part of the brain that deals with our conscience and is able to make guilty thoughts regarding recent events seem like a reality. Until we reach the other side of the Nebula we are likely to experience strange occurrences regarding events or people that we may carry negative emotions about.'

'Like guilty hallucinations.' Said Doctor Phlox helpfully over the Com where'd he'd been happily eavesdropping on the conversation.

The bridge crew looked on as their Captain's brow furrowed beyond normal physical ability. Lt Reed thought that if it hadn't had been for the sound of the Sub Commander grinding her teeth together, they might have heard the Captains brain ticking over.

'This doesn't sound good' Said Archer eventually 'How long until we reach the other side of the cloud?'

'Just a few hours Captain' replied T'pol

'Will we all be able to see other people's hallucination's as well as our own?'

'For some bizarre unexplainable reason, yes Captain'.

'Will you be affected?'

T'pol sighed and the patiently continued.

'I am a Vulcan Captain, it is my job to be immune.'

'Bitch' muttered Archer.

'What I don't get,' Said Ensign Hoshi Sato suddenly, 'Is why we flew into this Nebula in the first place?'

All eyes turned toward Mayweather who had thus far managed to stay out of things, just for a change.

'Yeah' Sneered Lt Reed suspiciously 'And if its so far to the other side, why don't we just fly around it, or over it eh?'

Mayweather looked at him incredulously 'You can't fly around things in space you idiot! There's rules to be followed you know!'

'What rules?' Said Reed, a cruel smile playing across his lips. 'Mayweathers space rule on how to get everyone killed and annoy the pants off them before doing so?'

Hoshi giggled and grinned in Malcolm's direction.

'Don't encourage him Ensign' Rebuked T'pol sternly.

Just then the Doctors strangled cries were heard over the Com. 'Phlox to bridge! Get security to sickbay now! We're being invaded by aliens with strange bumpy foreheads! They're everywhere! Argh!'

Archer jumped out of his chair 'Hang on Doc, Try to fight them off or something!' The Doctors frantic voice crackled over the Com.

'Bugger that! I'm off to hide!'

'Mayweather you have the bridge, and make sure no one steals it this time right?' Said Archer addressing the ships only pilot.

'Yes sir, but that really wasn't my fault last time you know.'

'Shut up!'

'Yes sir'

Just as the Captain turned to leave, Hoshi gasped in terror pointing at something slimy that was slowly squelching it's way across her console. Reed dashed to her rescue but stopped short when he clapped eyes on the offending blob of mucus.

'What the bloody hell's that?' He asked.

Hoshi was almost in tears by now; her voice was all whiney.

'Its...Its...Sluggo, and he's come back to haunt me!'

Security, which consisted of all the Bridge crew unarmed, finally made it to sickbay. They were greeted by a great number of bumpy headed aliens sitting around the place fiddling with instruments and jumping on the bio beds. Phlox was found hiding in a cupboard.

'They look kinda familiar don't they?' Said Reed, wondering if he should incapacitate them all so the Captain could take a closer look.

The Captain glanced out from behind the safety of his only security officer.

'Ooh Ooh I know this one!' He said excitedly pointing and waving his finger in the direction on the alien's. T'pol arched an eyebrow and decided to steal his thunder.

'Yes Captain, The Valakian's. They were on the path to extinction and were to be succeeded by the second dominant race on their planet.' Archer threw her a disgruntled look.

'The Minks, yes I remember that well.' He said glaring at Phlox now. T'pol sighed heavily.

'No sir, The Menk. Minks are a small stoat-like animal farmed for their fur.'

'Bitch' muttered Archer, and then continued raucously. 'Yes Doctor you've got yourself a case of the Valakian's here.' He slapped the Doctor on the back and beamed at him.

'The Valakian's?' choked the Doctor still recovering from the backslapping.

'Yes, you remember Phlox' Said Archer 'That race that you cold- heartedly left to die in the first season, obviously this big pink cloud 'thingie' is making you see Valakians. Phlox looked puzzled for a moment and then realisation dawned on him.

'Oh them!' He exclaimed 'But that doesn't make any sense at all, I don't have a guilty conscience about them.'

'What not at all?'

'Nope.'

'Bastard.'

T'pol interrupted them, 'Under the circumstances Captain, it is logical to assume that the only reason that Phlox is seeing the Valakians is because of his unchallenged lack of respect or care regarding anything he does in sickbay. The Hobbes Nebula could obviously not find anything else for the good Doctor to hallucinate about.' Phlox shrugged and nodded in agreement.

'Yeah, that sounds plausible' Said Archer not taking his eyes off Phlox. 'But what I don't get is why everyone keeps calling him the "good Doctor" I mean a whole race down the plughole, just like that!'

'Hey, leave him alone! It wasn't his fault!' said Hoshi joining the conversation in Phlox's defence. 'They were already as good as dead long before the Doctor withheld the cure.'

'Err, thanks Hoshi' Said Phlox in a hushed voice.

Hoshi leaned closer to him whispering in his ear, 'We've got bigger problems Doctor, Sluggo's back.'

'What that horrible little slimy, gooey slug thing that we left sitting in the sun without a second thought on that incredibly hostile planet?'

'Yeah, that's him.'

'Bugger that, I'm off to hide!'

'Cool, I'll join you.' They headed off out of sickbay together leaving the Captain staring after them.

'Wow.' Said Archer trying to sound as serious as possible. 'Hoshi's seeing slugs and the Doc's seeing Valakian's, I wonder who'll be next?'

Meanwhile back on the Bridge...

'I can't believe you left me son, left me to die on that bloody ship with yer mother blabbering away endlessly in my ear. What kind of son are ya huh?, Well I hope ya feel sorry now that I'm gone ya miserable little git.' Travis was only half listening as the apparition of his dead father ranted on. The other half of his concentration was focussed on the Bridge's answering machine, which was currently receiving reports from distressed crewmembers, experiencing Nebula induced hallucinations. The Captains happy voice bounced around the Bridge.

'Hi!, I'm afraid none of the Bridge crew are in right now, so if you'd like to leave your name and rank after the tone, I'll personally make sure that someone else gets back to you. Thanks.'

The only crewmember not complaining sat calmly in Engineering, looking appraisingly at the vision before him.

'Err, T'pol, how come you're not wearing any clothes, not that I'm complaining mind, just curious.' Commander Trip Charlie Tucker the Third etc.etc, grinned from ear to ear as he admired the slender form of the naked Vulcan before him. She arched her eyebrow at him, not that he noticed.

'I'm not real you dolt! I'm just a hallucination from the Hobbes Nebula.

'Aw, comon darlin, don't be shy, they look real to me.' He gave the unreal T'pol another encouraging smile as she folded her arms and looked disdainfully at him. At that moment the doors to Engineering swished open admitting the Captain and Bridge crew.

'What in the name of quantum leaping is going on Trip?' Exclaimed Archer, trying to take in as much of the scene as possible without passing out.

'Sweeeeet.' Said Malcolm nodding and gesturing at the abashed looking real Sub Commander who stood next to him.

'Mr Tucker! I demand an explanation immediatley!' T'pol's voice was shaking with fury and she glowered at her unreal naked self.

'Well it's kinda like this, you're like totally hot, sooooo I may have pictured you naked on the odd occasion.' He still had his gaze fixed dreamily on the hallucination before him. The Captain was starting to sway from side to side and was only kept from falling over by his lone security officer.

'The odd occasion?' Hissed T'pol trying to ignore Malcolms sniggering behind her.

'Well, a few times yes. Well, more than a few times actually. Well, lots.'

'Lots!'

'Yeah, sorry.'

The unreal T'pol sighed in a bored fashion and unfolded her arms. There was a loud thump as the Captain hit the deck plating.

'Ooops' Said Malcoln 'took my eyes off him for a moment there. Man the Doc's gonna throw a bender when he finds out he missed this!'

'Mr Tucker!' Screamed T'pol pointing frantically at the naked apparition.

'What? I can't make it go away. Its only there in the first place cos I had the decency to feel guilty about my thoughts, the Nebula was obviously able to detect that.'

'He's got a good point there' Said Malcolm supportively. T'pol looked totally quashed.

'It's still not right! And it's demeaning for me' She replied in a sulky fashion.

'She's got two good points there' said Malcolm. T'pol nodded curtly at him.

'Thank you Lieutenant'.

'I meant the other T'pol'

'Bastard' Muttered Archer from the floor.

As they departed Engineering Trip put his arm around Malcolm in a friendly fashion.

'So buddy, what you been hallucinating about then?' Malcolm looked at him shrewdly before answering.

'Tribble's mate, thousands of them.'

'Where?' said Trip glancing around 'I don't see em.'

'Nah, they're back in my quarters covering everything in tribble hair the little buggers.' Trip looked at him with a puzzled expression on his face.

'Why the hell are you feeling guilty about tribble's?' He asked. Malcolm looked at him sheepishly.

'The Doc's been letting me use them for target practise.'

T'POL'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE SG1: Hate this ship and all its crew. PAUSE. Except for the chief Engineer, He's well fit! I think he likes me too. PAUSE. Oh, and the dog, he's well cute. PAUSE. We are almost out of the Hobbes Nebula now, only a few more minutes to go and then all hallucinations should cease. Noticed the Captain didn't have any. PAUSE. Not sure what to make of that, maybe he has a well thick skull. PAUSE. Have also learnt to put the word 'well' infront of adjective's to give them more impact. END.

Meanwhile in the pitch black of one of Enterprise's heating ducts two crewmembers had stripped down to their underwear on account of it being really hot.

'Only a few more minutes to go Ensign and then we can crawl out of here.' Said Phlox cheerfully.

'There's no rush Doctor, besides this is kind of cosy don't you think?' Hoshi's voice was wavering slightly.

'Umm, no, not really. Its dark and scary, and I want to get home to my bat.'

'Well I'd rather stay here and let you carry on licking my thigh,' She giggled nervously. Phlox's reply turned the duct suddenly cold.

'I'm not licking your thigh Ensign.'

Their terrified screams were heard all over the ship.

'SLUGGO!!!


End file.
